The Staple's Name Was Marvin
A PLAY IN ONE ACT
by Richard Putorti Jr.
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CHARACTERS
CECILIA
Caucasian freshman. The youngest member of the drama club, she is the most optimistic and wide eyed about what could happen for her and her friends.
BIANCA
Caucasian junior. Slightly disillusioned with the world of drama, she tries her best to smile through it all, while still finding the strength to be the mother of her friend group.
ELIZABETH
Caucasian junior. By far the most jaded of the crew, her dreams of being a star are fading quickly, which she masks with her sharp tongue and her sardonic wit.
SYDNEY
Hispanic junior. Stage manager for the drama club, she tries her best to be as forceful as she can to please the director, but her goofball friends are her weakness, allowing her to let loose.
EVERETT
Black sophomore. A member of the Flat Earth Society by accident, he once took a practice permit test and failed every category except the alcohol one.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
Jesus told us He would rid the world of sin. Odin said he would rid the world of Ice Giants. I don’t see any Ice Giants. Also, when you scare a flock of birds, do they all fly away because they all see you or because a few saw you and flew away and the rest saw those few and started flying with them? THIS ISN’T SPARKNOTES!
THE STAPLE’S NAME WAS MARVIN
An afternoon in November, present day. Backstage,
high school theater, dimly lit. Muffled dialogue can
occasionally be heard as the actors “onstage” rehearse.
Meanwhile, backstage, the stage crew perform their own
comedy of errors: life. BIANCA is swiping through social
media on her phone, ELIZABETH is attempting to finish a
crossword, and EVERETT is pacing the floor, pausing to
hear what is going on “onstage”. A shrill yelp can be heard
from stage right. All three turn their heads to see
CECILIA from the bathroom.
CECILIA
(Wide-eyed, looking at everyone) The toilet flushed on its own and I got scared!
BIANCA
(sarcastically, a la You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown) And that’s my new philosophy.
ELIZABETH
You know, if we were the ones performing, we wouldn’t have to be using that pathetic excuse for a bathroom that’s just a literal closet. We could be going po… to the bathroom in the dressing rooms, but nooooo, we’re the ones degraded to stage crew.
SYDNEY
(Poking her head out of the middle of the scrim) And what’s the problem with being part of stage crew? Do you think that it’s something below you?
ELIZABETH
Oh, no! Not at all! Sorry… I definitely phrased that wrong.
SYDNEY glances at the other crew members, who nod
in agreement, lest they get yelled at too. She slowly
retreats her head back until she is behind the curtain.
BIANCA
So… are we going to talk about that or that fact that Elizabeth was going to say “going potty” before she corrected herself?
EVERETT
Last time I went to the bathroom across from the cafeteria there was a guy in there… watching something in the stall…
CECILIA
Why did you feel the need to tell us that?
EVERETT
Because we were talking about bathrooms?
ELIZABETH
I… just… No Everett, no…
EVERETT
(Hovering over the props) My apology for being the life of the table. (Claps) I think it’s cookie time. So, on earth day #8 God said that Oreos were milk’s favorite cookie and that was that?
EVERETT picks up a cookie from the prop table, waves it
in front of everyone’s faces, eating it nibble by nibble.
BIANCA
I can’t with you…
SYDNEY
What is wrong with you? Those are props! You can’t do that!
EVERETT
(Opens his mouth to show partially chewed cookie) Oh, do you want it back?
SYDNEY
(Backhands him upside the head) You…
CECELIA
Hey, you can go through my lunchbox, maybe you can use something for the prop.
SYDNEY
Thanks. Let’s see. Apple. Applesauce. Apple juice. Half an apple. Cecilia did you raid an apple orchard? What’s next, a warm apple crisp?
CECILIA
We went apple picking last weekend, give me a break.
SYDNEY
I’ll give you a break alright. A ha, what’s this? (Pulls out a roll)
EVERETT
Ooh, is that the Pillsbury crescent that you can spread butter on?
CECILIA
As a matter of fact, yes.
SYDNEY
Whatever, this’ll have to do. Don’t touch the props!
SYDNEY storms into the wings to give the actors their
prop. The crew quietly resume their previous activities.
ELIZABETH
Ugh, why is my brain failing me now?
BIANCA
What’s wrong? Stumped on a clue?
ELIZABETH
Yeah, for the life of me I can’t remember the name of the bird from Peanuts.
EVERETT
(Looking over the newspaper at the puzzle) It’s Clyde.
ELIZABETH
Thank you… wait a minute… Clyde? What the heck? How is that even… Are you kidding me?
EVERETT
What, is that not it? Dang that’s what I’ve always called him. It’s not Clyde?
CECILIA
(“Seriously?”) It’s Woodstock…
ELIZABETH
Woodstock! That’s it!
CECILIA
See, his name is Woodstock because he was first introduced in 1969, and he was named after the festival…
ELIZABETH
Wait just a second. Bianca, did you ask?
BIANCA
No Elizabeth, I didn’t. Everett, did you ask?
EVERETT
I sure as hell didn’t ask. Wait a minute, oh my God, no one asked!
CECILIA
(Indignant) You guys are just mean…
ELIZABETH
(Hearing something onstage) Listen to that, another messed up line. How the hell could these idiots possibly have been cast? They’re tripping over every word that they’re supposed to have memorized by now.
BIANCA
You know how it goes. The favorites are always the ones picked, whether or not they actually happen to have talent.
ELIZABETH
Well they don’t. Not this time around. Last year, maybe, the upperclassmen were semi-decent, but we’ve all got more talent in our pinky fingers than the whole cast out there has combined!
A crash comes from the corner. Everyone turns their head
to see EVERETT on the ground.
EVERETT
(Slightly dazed) I thought I was on a chair and then I realized I wasn’t, and I fell.
CECELIA
Look on the bright side, at least we all get to hang out with one another after school! Who knows, maybe by the next show, we’ll be the stars, and get our shining moment up on that stage because the director sees how hard we work!
Everyone stares at CECELIA for her overly sweet optimism.
Each is considering taking her out in their own way.
ELIZABETH
Even Mary Poppins would be sickened by how much sugar was on that spoonful.
CECILIA
(Sticking out her tongue) Looks like someone was visited by the cranky fairy!
EVERETT
Sure, can’t you see us all on stage? Romeo, Romeo, let down your hair! Jack and the giant beanstalk!
BIANCA
I don’t know, Lizzie’s kinda right. I’ve auditioned for, what five shows now? I only got into two, and I’m a junior now. The audition process SUCKS. If only I’d known how much we all backstab each other… The director has even said that girls audition day is his least favorite. Everyone’s super catty.
ELIZABETH
Everyone might be catty, but it’s the biggest group of bitches you will ever meet.
BIANCA
(Mildly shocked) Language!
ELIZABETH
(Rolling her eyes) Sorry Mom. But seriously, every girl that walks into audition is practically shooting daggers at everyone else. We all know who’s gonna get what, and we hate each other for it.
EVERETT
(Jokingly) Just because men are superior…
ELIZABETH
Well I’ll kick you in your ball sack and we’ll see who’s superior.
EVERETT feigns a look of hurt. He flips a fan from the prop table and fans himself ‘seductively’.
ELIZABETH
You make me want to become a feminist.
EVERETT
Yeah but look at the guys auditions, all we do is walk in there, screw around a lot because no one can sing, and no one hates each other. You ladies should try to be more like us.
BIANCA
But guys always have an easier audition anyway because chances are, they’re gonna get in. We’re always low on guys, and so if you’re a guy you have better chances.
EVERETT
Unless you happen to be Black like me, in which case you’re never going to get a good role because the only field they think you’re possibly good at majoring in is cotton!
CECELIA
You did not just say that…
EVERETT
Also, here’s a question that’s been bothering me for a very long time: Is Ms. Butterworth Black? You know, ‘cause like, the bottle? And what’s her ethnicity? It’s definitely Vermont.
A quiet feeling of stupidity and awkwardness hangs over the heavily confused girls.
CECILIA
Well, would it be a matter of opinion?
EVERETT
Do you have Heelys?
CECILIA
Excuse me?
EVERETT
If you don’t wear Heelys, you don’t get an opinion. It’s the 3/5 Compromise.
EVERETT wheels himself into the wings on his heels, leaving
the girls to contemplate their friendships and life choices.
ELIZABETH
I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried…
BIANCA
He does have a point though. Our school is like, what, 99% white? Hairspray was probably the most diverse our drama club ever was, and even then, they still cast a white boy as Seaweed! Granted, he dropped out so they cast a Black girl instead, but that’s not the point!
ELIZABETH
The point being?
BIANCA
That, umm, our school is really white? Oh, honestly, I don’t even know anymore, those stupid Heelys got me so confused…
CECILIA
Aw come on guys, I don’t really think it’s all favoritism. That would mean only juniors and seniors ever get leads! I mean, Maria got the lead when she was a freshman!
BIANCA
Grade-wise she might have been a freshman, but she started drama club in 7th grade. So technically, by 9th grade, she had the experience of a junior. I’d still say it counts.
SYDNEY
Guys will you keep it down back here? If I get one more note about trying to get you guys to shut your mouths…
EVERETT
(Charging back to the group) LILLIAN MIGHT BE DEAD!
SYDNEY
(With a look of complete and utter confusion, completely forgetting to scold him) What?!
EVERETT
See, every so often, this old lady named Lillian would call our house, not realizing it’s a wrong number. We haven’t heard from her in a while! What if something happened?! Incidentally, I asked the home improvement people that called yesterday if I could have a roller coaster.
Everyone tries to comprehend the madness that
always spews from EVERETT’s mouth,
but all logic and sense have disappeared.
ELIZABETH
(Waxing religious idiotically, shaking her head) I don’t have enough Jesus in my room.
EVERETT
Remember, me and Jesus are tight. Jesus is poppin right now.
CECILIA
What’s that supposed to mean?
EVERETT
Well, do you really think he wears that robe all the time? He’s got to have some shorts and
t-shirt. Bro, have you seen those Jamaicans?
BIANCA
Words cannot begin to express how confused I am right now.
ELIZABETH
Are you on drugs?
SYDNEY
Why be a meth addict when you could be a math addict?
ELIZABETH
Okay, well that came out of nowhere…
SYDNEY
But think about it, can’t a good math problem give you just as much of a rush as some stupid old drug or something?
ELIZABETH
Can’t say that I ever thought of it like that?
BIANCA
Well I am confused. Just confused. Confused is the only way to describe how… confused I am.
CECILIA
Just a minute, just a minute. Are you trying to tell us that you are confused?
BIANCA
Can you honestly tell me that any of this is making sense right now?
CECILIA
At this point, I’ve just learned to accept it. (Rummaging through her lunch box) I could have sworn I put something other than apple products in here… Here’s some baby corn left over from lunch.
ELIZABETH
That reminds me of when my dad’s mom put mayonnaise and paprika on a fish.
CECILIA
How does that have anything to do with baby corn?
ELIZABETH
I guess you’re right, it really doesn’t. Huh, why did I think that? Maybe there was baby corn, I don’t know why anymore.
CECILIA
Ooooh, blueberries. Anybody hungry? Everett? Do you want a blueberry?
EVERETT
No, they make me think of nipple piercings.
CECILIA refrains from putting the fruit in her mouth.
She lowers her snack into her lunchbox as the
stage crew tries to get the image out of their heads.
CECILIA
Well, that’s one more food ruined for me. Thank you very much…
SYDNEY
What else was ruined?
CECILIA
Apple juice. My Spanish teacher said that she doesn’t drink it because it looks like pee. I haven’t been able to drink it since.
EVERETT
Ooooh do you have any of that Baby Bell Cheese? You know, they put the wax down and pour the milk and cheese into it?
BIANCA
That’s just the commercial you idiot.
EVERETT
Eh never mind, I’ll just go buy some Peanut M+M’s from the vending machine. I’ll be right back. (Something drops out of his pocket)
SYDNEY
You dropped your, umm, lollipop?
EVERETT
I HAVE A LOLLIPOP?
CECILIA
Umm, isn’t that the one from Valentine’s Day?
EVERETT
No, this is the one from Valentine’s Day. (Proceeds to whip out a second one). It’s been through the wash so many times. (Eats it in one bite)
EVERETT leaves to find a snack. The girls look around
at each other and give a collective shrug.
ELIZABETH
Does anyone remember what the conversation was?
SYDNEY
All I remember is coming back here to tell you guys to shut the h*ll up. And that didn’t happen.
BIANCA
It was something about drama club, that’s all I remember.
CECILIA
I think the memory has always been there for me and now I realized that it’s always been stored in filing cabinets of those squishy tubes up there.
ELIZABETH
You’re starting to sound like Everett now.
CECILIA
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
GIRLS
Bad thing.
BIANCA
Regardless of what the conversation might have been, Cecilia, where did you get your outfit? I have been dying to ask you all day!
CECILIA
Umm… Let me think… It depends because I get them from all different spots… Actually wait… Target. I love Target.
ELIZABETH
Fair enough. I especially love your jacket though! What’s the brand?
CECILIA
You know, I don’t know! Here, let’s see. (Taking off the jacket) Oh, Hollister. Huh, I didn’t notice this before, my jacket says gender is male.
EVERETT
(Out of the shadows) I knew it.
CECILIA
Excuse me?
EVERETT
(Smiling) Kidding, kidding, calm down.
ELIZABETH
Where are your Peanut M+M’s?
EVERETT
(Sadly) Sacagawea wouldn’t let me buy the Peanut M+M’s.
SYDNEY
I’m sorry, what now?
EVERETT
(Holding a fistful of dollar coins) You know, these? (Looking closely at the coins) Sacagawea doesn’t say In God We Trust!
SYDNEY
(Jumping in the air and holding her head) AUGH!!!
BIANCA
Oh my God, what’s wrong?
SYDNEY
I forgot I was wearing this headset. The director was trying to reach me. (Into the headset) Uh huh, yes sir. Well, yeah, we’ll have to. Yup. Okay. (Whispering to her friends) You guys are never going to believe this.
SYDNEY gestures to the stage. The crew walk over to
the wings and peers out. Their eyes grow wide.
BIANCA
Oh my God. Did they all, what, break their ankles?
SYDNEY
Every single one of them. Looks like the choreographer didn’t teach them how to properly stage fight. It looks like we’re in need of four new leads…
CECILIA
Seriously? Oh my God! This is the big break we’ve been waiting for!
SYDNEY
Yup. The director just said to get you guys suited up. You’re opening the show tomorrow!
BIANCA
Hmmm I wonder what color I should paint my nails.
EVERETT
Do girls clip their nails with nail clippers?
BIANCA
(Horribly confused) Yeah, how else?...
EVERETT
A barbershop? I thought it was a one stop shop kind of thing. I hope we don’t have to do that one stupid little thing they do. I feel like a deer when I do that dance.
The three walk off, leaving ELIZABETH and SYDNEY.
ELIZABETH
Cough it up, I know I planted the seeds of thought. What really happened?
SYDNEY
It’s not like the floor was overly waxed or anything…
ELIZABETH
You can always count on a good stage manager.
SYDNEY
H*ll yeah you can. You know, on the inside, I have the true heart of a worm.
ELIZABETH
(Laughing) Come on Slimey, let’s go make a name for ourselves.
The two walk off, giggling. From the ‘stage’, a large crash is followed by a yell.
All five rush back on to see what happened and panic.
They don’t want to have to face the director when he gets up.
End of play.
THE STAPLE’S NAME WAS MARVIN
1 M, 4 W
Being cheated out of the limelight, five friends try their best to cope with the seemingly ‘lesser’ task of being stage crew for a seemingly meaningless high school play. As to be expected, pettiness clouds the judgement of these normally open-minded (yet still weird) students. This collection of ignoble characters is literally in the shadows, indignant that they are not the ones in the light, but are they the ones that really deserve it either?